🍺TASTING CARD: Cynical Old‑School Brewer

Distorted Re(ale)ity – Badlands Brewing

Pale Ale — 5.6% ABV
Unlisted hops
“Soft citrus, hazy body… unbelievable. Another pale ale terrified of bitterness, like we’re all children who can’t handle a little bite. Back in my day, beer had edges. Now it’s just vibes and vitamins.”

Greenhouse (2025) – Badlands Brewing

IPA — 6.5% ABV
Citra, Superdelic, El Dorado
“Three hops, zero pine. At this point I’m convinced modern brewers are running a fruit‑smoothie cartel. Call me when someone remembers hops used to taste like something other than a tropical vacation.”

Elevate (2026) – Badlands Brewing

IPA — 6.5% ABV
Citra, Sabro
“Sabro again. Coconut in beer. Amazing. Truly the future no one asked for. Every time I taste this hop I feel like I’m trapped in a sunscreen commercial.”

Pedestal (Tropical Fusion) – Badlands Brewing

IPA — 6.5% ABV
NZ hop blend
“Another NZ blend. Of course. Everything’s passionfruit and gooseberry now. I swear if one more beer tastes like a fruit salad left out at a yoga retreat, I’m switching to pilsners permanently.”

Times They Have Changed (2026) – Badlands Brewing

NEIPA — 6.5% ABV
Citra, Nelson Sauvin, Riwaka
“White grape in an IPA. Perfect. Next thing you know we’ll be swirling it in stemware and talking about terroir. Just call it Sauvignon Blanc Lite and be done with it.”

A Dent (2026) – Badlands Brewing

NEIPA — 6.5% ABV
Unlisted hops
“Soft, hazy, fruity — another dent in tradition, another win for people who fear bitterness like it’s gluten. At this point the haze is doing more work than the hops.”

Complicated Airflow (2025) – Badlands Brewing

IPA — 6.5% ABV
Galaxy, Motueka, Nectaron
“Three hops fighting for attention like a committee meeting that should’ve been an email. Peach, lime, tropical chaos — it’s a circus, but sure, people love it.”

Barry and Mary (2026) – Badlands Brewing

DIPA — 8% ABV
Citra, Galaxy
“Big, boozy, fruity — finally, a beer that remembers it’s supposed to have some guts. At least this one doesn’t apologize for being an IPA.”

February DIPA (2026)

DIPA — 8% ABV
Nelson Bliss, Nelson Lakes, Sunrise Valley Riwaka
“Three Nelson variants? Fantastic. A vineyard in a can. I’m shocked they didn’t serve it with a cheese pairing.”

🍷 TASTING CARD: The Pretentious Sommelier

Distorted Re(ale)ity – Badlands Brewing

Pale Ale — 5.6% ABV
Unlisted hops
“A restrained cascade of citrus unfurls with textural elegance, offering a gentle prelude to a finish that lingers with quiet sophistication.”

Greenhouse (2025) – Badlands Brewing

IPA — 6.5% ABV
Citra, Superdelic, El Dorado
“A radiant interplay of stone fruit and tropical luminosity, each sip unfolding like a sunlit orchard in early summer.”

Elevate (2026) – Badlands Brewing

IPA — 6.5% ABV
Citra, Sabro
“A silken coconut‑citrus duet framed by velvet haze, evoking the languid luxury of a coastal afternoon.”

Pedestal (Tropical Fusion) – Badlands Brewing

IPA — 6.5% ABV
NZ hop blend
“A sun‑drenched mosaic of tropical nuance and lupulin finesse, harmonizing into a vibrant, expressive crescendo.”

Times They Have Changed (2026) – Badlands Brewing

IPA — 6.5% ABV
Citra, Nelson Sauvin, Riwaka
  “A graceful tension of gooseberry, citrus, and white‑grape sophistication, reminiscent of a youthful yet confident sauvignon blanc.”

A Dent (2026) – Badlands Brewing

IPA — 6.5% ABV
Unlisted hops
“A cloud‑like body supporting a whisper of citrus glow, delicate yet undeniably intentional.”

Complicated Airflow (2025) – Badlands Brewing

IPA — 6.5% ABV
Galaxy, Motueka, Nectaron
“A saturated triad of peach, lime, and nectar‑rich opulence, each note rising with polished precision.”

Barry and Mary (2026) – Badlands Brewing

DIPA — 8% ABV
Citra, Galaxy
“A bold yet harmonious duet of citrus radiance and stone‑fruit depth, commanding attention with refined authority.”

February DIPA (2026) – Badlands Brewing

DIPA — 8% ABV
Nelson Bliss, Nelson Lakes, Sunrise Valley Riwaka
“A vinous crescendo of white grape and cool‑climate elegance, finishing with a poised, lingering flourish.”

🧪 TASTING CARD: The Beer Judge

Distorted Re(ale)ity – Badlands Brewing

Pale Ale — 5.6% ABV
Unlisted hops
“Moderate citrus esters with a clean fermentation profile; bitterness restrained but appropriate, though overall expression lacks assertiveness.” Score: 38/50
Greenhouse (2025) – Badlands Brewing

IPA — 6.5% ABV
Citra, Superdelic, El Dorado
“High tropical ester intensity with cohesive hop saturation; mouthfeel soft yet structured, finish clean and well‑defined.” Score: 42/50
Elevate (2026) – Badlands Brewing

IPA — 6.5% ABV
Citra, Sabro
“Coconut esters prominent; citrus secondary but balanced. Slightly muddled mid‑palate detracts from overall clarity.” Score: 37/50

Pedestal (Tropical Fusion) – Badlands Brewing

IPA — 6.5% ABV
NZ hop blend
“Dominant tropical aromatics with moderate bitterness; hop expression unified and stylistically consistent.” Score: 41/50

Times They Have Changed (2026) – Badlands Brewing

IPA — 6.5% ABV
Citra, Nelson Sauvin, Riwaka
“Vinous aromatics from Nelson integrated with bright citrus; pillowy mouthfeel exemplary for the style.” Score: 43/50

A Dent (2026) – Badlands Brewing

IPA — 6.5% ABV
Unlisted hops
“High ester expression with stable haze; bitterness low but appropriate, though finish slightly flabby.” Score: 39/50

Complicated Airflow (2025) – Badlands Brewing

IPA — 6.5% ABV
Galaxy, Motueka, Nectaron
“Peach and pineapple dominate with smooth bitterness; hop layering effective though slightly congested.” Score: 40/50

Barry and Mary (2026) – Badlands Brewing

DIPA — 8% ABV
Citra, Galaxy
“High ester intensity with well‑integrated alcohol; hop expression bold yet controlled.” Score: 44/50

February DIPA (2026) – Badlands Brewing

DIPA — 8% ABV
Nelson Bliss, Nelson Lakes, Sunrise Valley Riwaka
“Thiols pronounced with grape‑skin aromatics; finish clean, structured and impressively balanced.” Score: 45/50

📜 TASTING CARD: The Historian

Distorted Re(ale)ity – Badlands Brewing

Pale Ale — 5.6% ABV
Unlisted hops
“A marker of the shift from pine‑driven pales to softer, fruit‑forward expressions that defined the late 2010s and early 2020s.”

Greenhouse (2025) – Badlands Brewing

IPA — 6.5%
Citra, Superdelic, El Dorado
“Embodies the evolution of American hop breeding toward fruit‑dominant varietals, reflecting a broader cultural pivot toward juiciness.”

Elevate (2026) – Badlands Brewing

IPA — 6.5% ABV ABV
Citra, Sabro
  “Sabro signals a new era of dessert‑leaning hop cultivars, emblematic of the industry’s fascination with coconut‑adjacent profiles.”

Pedestal (Tropical Fusion) – Badlands Brewing

IPA — 6.5% ABV
NZ hop blend
“NZ hop blends reflect decades of breeding for high‑thiol expression, a hallmark of Southern Hemisphere innovation.”

Times They Have Changed (2026) – Badlands Brewing

IPA — 6.5% ABV
Citra, Nelson Sauvin, Riwaka
“A defining example of NZ–US hybrid hazy IPA development, merging vinous aromatics with American citrus.”

A Dent (2026) – Badlands Brewing

IPA — 6.5% ABV
Unlisted hops
“Part of the movement toward texture‑driven hazies, where mouthfeel became as important as hop character.”

Complicated Airflow (2025) – Badlands Brewing

IPA — 6.5% ABV
Galaxy, Motueka, Nectaron
“A showcase of the Southern Hemisphere’s modern aromatic spectrum, emphasizing peach, lime, and tropical density.”

Barry and Mary (2026) – Badlands Brewing

DIPA — 8% ABV
Citra, Galaxy
“Demonstrates the enduring dominance of Citra and Galaxy in shaping 21st‑century DIPA profiles.”

February DIPA (2026) – Badlands Brewing

DIPA — 8% ABV
Nelson Bliss, Nelson Lakes, Sunrise Valley Riwaka
“Highlights the regional specificity of Nelson sub‑varietals, each contributing distinct thiol signatures.”

🔬 TASTING CARD: The Chemist

Distorted Re(ale)ity – Badlands Brewing

Pale Ale — 5.6% ABV
Unlisted hops
“Ester profile suggests controlled fermentation and monoterpene‑rich hop oils, yielding a clean yet citrus‑forward aromatic signature.”

Greenhouse (2025) – Badlands Brewing

IPA — 6.5% ABV
Citra, Superdelic, El Dorado
“Superdelic’s thiol precursors elevate berry aromatics via biotransformation, interacting synergistically with Citra’s terpene matrix.”

Elevate (2026) – Badlands Brewing

IPA — 6.5% ABV
Citra, Sabro
“Sabro’s coconut character arises from hop‑derived lactones, amplified by yeast‑driven esterification pathways.”

Pedestal (Tropical Fusion) – Badlands Brewing

IPA — 6.5% ABV
NZ hop blend
“High 3‑MH and 3‑MHA concentrations drive the passionfruit profile, supported by a stable colloidal haze.”

Times They Have Changed (2026) – Badlands Brewing

IPA — 6.5% ABV
Citra, Nelson Sauvin, Riwaka
“Thiol‑rich Nelson and Riwaka synergize with Citra’s terpene matrix, producing layered vinous‑citrus aromatics.”

A Dent (2026) – Badlands Brewing

IPA — 6.5% ABV
Unlisted hops
“Protein‑polyphenol interactions optimized for haze stability, contributing to a soft, pillowy mouthfeel.”

Complicated Airflow (2025) – Badlands Brewing

IPA — 6.5% ABV
Galaxy, Motueka, Nectaron
“Nectaron’s ester precursors and Motueka’s terpenes create layered synergy, yielding a complex tropical‑lime aromatic profile.”

Barry and Mary (2026) – Badlands Brewing

DIPA — 8% ABV
Citra, Galaxy
“Ethanol‑ester interactions amplify tropical aromatics, enhancing perceived sweetness without compromising balance.”

February DIPA (2026) – Badlands Brewing

DIPA — 8% ABV
Nelson Bliss, Nelson Lakes, Sunrise Valley Riwaka

“Nelson variants contribute elevated thiol concentrations, producing wine‑like aromatics with a clean, structured finish."